SERENITY

The nicer I treat some people, the colder they are. But then, if I act cool toward them, they warm up. What’s up with that?

Perhaps you’ve noticed the same thing. Is it a game? Is it retribution? Is it just human nature?

Maybe the source of this behavior runs much deeper than a simple stimulus-response mechanism, like blinking when you see something coming toward your eyes. Perhaps it goes back to those two polar opposites — love and fear. I’ve heard it explained the only thing that exists is love. Fear is the absence of love.

This concept is at the core of the book, “A Course In Miracles.” In his book, “Love Is Letting Go Of Fear,” Gerald Jampolsky also explains this.

Perhaps that “push-pull” pattern is simply this “fear is the absence of love” principle in action.

People are free to choose any course of action they wish. Quite often the course chosen is determined by past experience. If a person’s experiences are mostly loving, then that becomes the basis for their actions. If their experiences have mostly been steeped in fear, or if they’ve experienced some colossal fear traumatizing them deeply, then that becomes the basis for their actions going forward.

A person coming from a basis of love will embrace kindness offered. However, a person coming from fear will be suspicious.

The person coming from love understands that paying it forward ensures an ample supply circulating freely among everyone. The person coming from fear hoards love, afraid it’s a rare commodity.

Fearful people stash love in a satchel and clasp it shut. They’re so terrified of squandering love, that they won’t even release any back to the person who offered it in the first place. The heinous truth is the satchel has a hole in it. They’re left just as depleted as if they’d never received love.

Fearful people do appreciate receiving love and kindness, but they are frightened. Their nature makes it impossible to express their gratitude in harmonious ways. This disconnect creates tension felt by both parties.

So, what’s a person to do?

Withholding kindness feels justified, but it only reinforces that fear in the other person, causing a steeper slide downward. Plus it runs the risk of disillusionment on the part of the first person. He or she may slip from a space of love into one of cynicism, adopting fear as a new basis. No matter how strong our resolve is regarding anything, adding new experiences into the pool can tip the balance as we continue forward on our journeys through life.

On the other hand, continuing to give love may help soften the other person’s fears; leading him or her to realize love is something to both accept and offer freely. It might tip the balance for that person. However, we cannot accept responsibility for another person’s choices.

So, again, what’s a person to do?

We can only take responsibility for our own actions. Offering love is truly the harmonious way to live. However, we must also offer ourselves love. We must take care to maintain the fragile balance within ourselves. We have to look at each interaction with another person on a case by case basis. We interact, assess, and use our judgment.

If there are indications the fearful person truly wishes to approach life from a different perspective, then continue offering love. If that person shows through actions the fear is too overpowering to overcome, than withdrawing love and using it to maintain your own harmony is acceptable.

Whether a person is religious or not, the Serenity Prayer is a great philosophy to follow. I interpret Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer in this way:

I seek the serenity to accept what I cannot control;

The courage to change things within my power to influence;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

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