DRIVING FIVE
After Granny and the white Camry disappear into the distance, I breathe a sigh of relief.
No one else challenges my left-lane supremacy. With nothing to occupy me, I’m free to let my mind wander. I focus on billboards; there are a lot of them. In other parts of the country they’re largely banned.
I see one for a local muscatel winery and wonder aloud how they have the “most popular wine in North Carolina.” Their wines are very sweet. I can’t stomach anything that syrupy unless it’s a topping for ice cream.
This winery also boasts of hauling wines to distributors in a converted hog trailer. I don’t know about you, but associating wine with hogs holds little appeal.
Then there’s a billboard for plastic surgery. It displays a nubile, gorgeous young female. She’s in a lounging position, wearing a skimpy top barely covering the buxom curves beneath. The ad says something to the effect of “this could be you.” Well, yeah — $100,000 later, maybe.
I find the premise of the ad ridiculous. It’s obvious to me the woman in the ad was born that way, not made that way. She has God and perhaps Jenny Craig® to thank for her figure — not a surgeon. And even the best surgeon can’t turn a 60 year-old into a 20 year-old; at least not yet.
They need to come up with a better story if they really want to attract clients. How about a before-and-after display? I might be persuaded by a flat-chested, no-butt woman who’s transformed into a curvaceous honey.
One observes these kind of ads all the time in print media, especially in adult materials. I suspect it’s because the photos can be more readily altered. In many cases, it takes artistry to transform an “after” picture into one resembling the “before” one.
The pictures in these ads are purposely small. Significant “enhancement” can’t be easily determined. That might be harder to get away with on a huge billboard.
A billboard looms for real estate. It’s one of those that say, “If you lived here, you’d be home already.” Well, “here” is a cow pasture. It’s hard picturing an “exclusive golf and swimming community” in the backwoods of Duplin county.
A smaller insert shows a handsome, smiling couple in their mid-50’s. She’s leaning against him with his arms around her. She looks very happy. Did she “do it” with the golf pro just before this shot? Is she divorcing her husband and pleased she gets their home in the “exclusive community?” Only her lawyer knows for sure.
Speaking of lawyers, there’s a billboard for one. The lawyer in the ad is grinning like a wolf. He’s lean and his eyes look sharp, hungry. The caption says he’ll get the IRS off your back. You’ll no longer owe back taxes or fines. He’ll free your income and child support from “levies.”
Let me see if I understand this correctly. If I hire this guy, I can get away with paying no taxes? Sounds like a neat trick. I guess good citizens like me who pay their fair share of taxes every year are suckers.
At the very least, we’re subsidizing those who don’t pay. Maybe that’s why my tax return gets scrutinized every year. The IRS has to make up the shortfall somehow.
If only I had the time and the inclination, I’d hoist a ladder up to that billboard. I’d get myself a gallon of black paint and splash it across Mr. Huckster Lawyer and his flashy grin. Yeah, that would feel real good.
And if I had any paint left over, I’d go hunting for Granny in the white Camry.
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I drove to the post office last night with a package to send. It needed postage. The window closed at 5:00 PM, but there’s an automated system that takes credit cards.
I securely packaged my parcel, using official USPS materials. I pasted a legible label in the proper location. Setting my package on the machine, I worked through each screen carefully, answering every question and selecting the correct options. Then it asked if I wanted to purchase the $5.60 stamp. I selected “Yes.” But, instead of spitting out my postage, a malfunction occurred and an error message displayed. It told me to take the package to the window. Except . . . Um . . . The window was closed and wouldn’t reopen until tomorrow.
I was ticked off.
Before Christmas I encountered another failed attempt when sending a package, so this increased my frustration. That time the machine worked fine, but the package-bin door was jammed shut. I had to come back the next day to mail it.
One time before that, a sign on the machine simply said, “Broke.”
Three times in a row now I tried using the automated service, which they advertise as a “24/7 convenience,” but each of those times it was inconveniently not available.
My blood started boiling. I mumbled a few unkind words then headed out the door and back to my car. I stewed for several minutes.
I found myself falling prey to a bad habit — lamenting over what I didn’t have instead of appreciating what I did have. Then my head cleared.
It’s unfortunate my last three attempts resulted in failure. But, I’ve used this service many, many times before with no issues. The number of times I’ve used it successfully is pretty high compared to the three failed attempts. Moreover, I’m sure I’ll use it again with no issues, mostly.
I usually try focusing on my blessings instead of my obstacles, but yesterday I counted my failures. And I’m not alone in succumbing to this weakness. Charts counting the number of defective items produced are displayed in daily production meetings at manufacturing facilities all across the world. Instead of counting the number of good products manufactured, the defects get highlighted. In hospitals, they keep track of mortality rates for different treatments, instead of focusing on the number of lives saved. In retail stores, missing inventory receives the focus, instead of the items accounted for.
On a personal level, what do you remember most about the behavior of someone close to you? Is it how many times he or she did something to make you feel special? Or are you more inclined to stew over things you judge as annoying? My guess is sometimes it’s one and at other times the other. But which occurs most often?
It’s not that we should ignore failures and weakness, but shifting our focus from negative to positive puts them in perspective. By focusing on the positive, we develop tolerance for the negative when it occurs. This tolerance allows us to be open minded when addressing issues. Instead of ranting and raving, we find ourselves eliciting change by encouraging the positive, while discussing the negative in a rational way.
By my estimation, the post office’s track record is pretty good. Except for Sundays and holidays, they bring my mail every day, without fail. They’ve delivered packages for me and to me. I admit their success with me outweighs their failures by a factor of about 100 to 1 in the past year. I’d say the score is approximately 310 successes to 3 failures. I can’t be PO’d about that.
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