SAY YES TO COMPASSION
Ring!
“Hello?”
“Hellllllllloooooo.”
“Oh. Hi.”
“He-ey! What’s go-o-ing o-on?”
“I’m sorry, I won’t talk you when you’re drunk.”
“I’m no-ot drunk! Let’s taaallk for jes’ a minute, okaaaayyy?”
“No. There’s no point to it. You’re not able to reason when you’ve been drinking. I’m hanging up now.”
“Wait, I’m . . . “
Click.
That wasn’t very compassionate, eh? Well, I disagree. There were two people involved in that conversation. The sober person was showing compassion to himself.
Do you know an alcoholic, a drug abuser, or a person who continually chooses some other self-destructive behavior? If you do, then you’ve probably been cornered in a situation similar to the one above.
Did you hang up? Did you get sucked into their pity party? Were you trapped in a conversation where absolutely nothing positive results. The drunk person starts raving in anger or lamenting about every problem in life.
Do you deserve this? Maybe you’re in the middle of doing something and that phone call keeps you from it. Plus, you have your own issues to deal with. You don’t need to take on someone else’s.
Refusing to get caught up in someone else’s drama is actually an expression of compassion toward yourself. Whatever you offer to others are also things you deserve to show to yourself — compassion, love, forgiveness, kindness, etc.
You may want to help, but can you help anyone who won’t help themselves? The answer is, “No.” You certainly could offer help, but if people refuse to help themselves, then your offer is wasted.
It doesn’t show a lack of compassion toward the other person to refuse their drama. You don’t need to subject yourself to potentially harmful situations. In fact, your refusal is a positive way to offer help.
Simply stating what behavior you will and will not tolerate from someone else, then reinforcing your words with action, will go much further than trying to take on someone else’s issues and attempting to fix them.
It shows that you are person of your word. It may not be what they want to hear at that moment, but even in their state of confusion they become conditioned to know what they can truly count on from you. Then, when they are ready to rise above their self-destructive behavior, they know they count on you to help in a positive way.
This is much more constructive than making ultimatums, especially if you just back down afterward. That only conditions them to realize you’re willing to accept whatever behavior they dish out. And that only leads to enabling their self-destructive behavior, giving them no reason to change their lives for the better.
To truly make it effective, try to avoid being mean spirited about it or judgmental. Being mean never fosters harmony. Being judgmental simply broadcasts that you think you’re better than someone else. No one is better than anyone else. We all have issues, and the same ones too, we all just experience them in different ways.
So, if you want to help someone else, first show yourself compassion. Don’t allow others to draw you into their issues. Don’t be mean. Don’t be judgmental. Simply refuse to accept behavior from them that can cause you harm, remain true to yourself and to your values.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!MR. RIGHT
I read a book recently that says “nice” girls get dumped because the guys get bored. A nice girl “does too much”. The men said so.
Men are more attracted to the “nasty” girl, the one that presents a challenge to his wooing skills. She tells him to get lost repeatedly. He loves it. Soon she has Pavlov eating out her hand like a dog.
Honestly, I didn’t know that’s how it worked. But I’ll have no problem making the needed corrections to my behavior.
I’ll invite a guy over to my home when I’m not there. When I do show up, I’ll be late, and stinky and sweaty from running. Then I’ll say I need to cancel.
I won’t answer the phone and take his call even though I know it’s him. When I do decide to talk to him I’ll suddenly excuse myself, place my hand partially over the phone and yell, “Hey, it’d be nice if you made up the bed before you leave!”
When I finally agree to a date, don’t expect me to wear clothes that enhance my figure. Nor will I bother with waxing my eyebrows or fussing with my hair.
So it’s a uni-brow, overalls, and Swiss-maid braids for me. And since men always insist they hate too much makeup on a woman, I’ll just dispense with that entirely.
For dinner, it’s no more cooking gourmet meals. No more organic this and organic that. No more slaving for hours, microwaving, to impress a guy.
I’ll set the table with a paper tablecloth, paper plates and napkins, plastic forks and knives, and dixie cups, with dandelion in the bud vase.
The first course will be the appetizer; he gets oysters in the shell, in a bucket, in mud. I’ll give him a mitt and shovel and let him have at it.
The entree is mac n’cheese, lumpy, straight from the box, made with water. I’m not wasting my milk to make it creamy.
Salad is iceberg lettuce, hacked into chunks and drizzled with my own special blend of yellow mustard and tap water. He doesn’t get dessert.
I’ll understand if he’d rather go out to a restaurant, but it better be classy. And I’ll make it clear from the start that I’m not expecting to pay for anything, ever.
No more frugality for me. I’ll be sure to pick the most expensive item from every course, especially the ones that are “Market priced”. And I’ll only order the Specials if they’re more expensive than my initial choices.
I’ll speak my mind. So when a waiter asks if we want wine with dinner I’ll say, “No, but I would like a bottle of your most expensive champagne. My date says money is no object.”
Any food that’s not at the temperature, texture, or degree of doneness I require will be sent back. Any waiter or waitress who is surly when I ask him or her to fetch things will be sent back, too.
I hardly ever order dessert, but from now on I will. Hey, I might even order two so I have something to look forward to after my date pays the bill and leaves.
If you're enjoying this over coffee, tea, or whatever, please consider buying me a cup!
